Sunday, July 22, 2007


Today, G-d Almighty, you have broken me.
My heart, and my back.
Today, Aibershter, you have outdone yourself.

You have given me Sheina.
Thank you very much.
Did i ever complain to you?
Did i ever say take her back?
You tested me and you tested me.
I think i passed, maybe not with flying colors -
but passed nonetheless.

It's about her Seizures,
that i would like to discuss with you today.
They are always frightening.
It aint easy for me to watch her turn blue and shake.
L'tza'areinu harav, i've become sort of accustomed to them.
Any loud "bang" -
Uh oh, Sheina.
I run,
she is on the floor blue and shaking...
But Master of the Universe !
What happened, You got bored?
The regular seizures, the ones she doesnt get majorly hurt
wasn't good enough to break me???
Not enough that You gave her a seizure while i was
washing her in the shower??
Not enough that she fell flat on her face,
lost a tooth ???
(Which by the way, we are still going for appt's. to take care of that one.
And You know how much i hate appt's.)
Yes, i must admit though You were always kind enough to make sure
someone else was home,
to throw me a pillow to count with me,
to help get her out of the bath.
Someone to help me carry her into bed.
And stam, someone to be with me, to stop my shaking...
Do i thank YOU for this consideration?
I guess so. Boruch Hashem.
Oh, i also want to thank You for the time that You made me look
at the exact second i did,
and managed to catch her in mid-air.
That was something.

I never kvetched to You about her.
(okay maybe i did, once in while..)
I took it.
I call it a "G-D Made Problem."
Those problems, you just take.

But today, Aibershter, you broke me!
Not only was i home alone,
(okay Mushka was home, but You try getting her to help...)
But Ribono Shel Olam,
Such a wham?!
She just had one last week !
I heard the scratch of the chair -
ran to the playroom...
find her flat on her face, in a pool of blood,
blue and shaking....
I know not to move her,
but hey i got to see where she is bleeding from.
Forget the counting.
I find a towel, put it under her face.
Her hair is in blood, got to tie it back.
"Mushka, braing a ponytail far sheina's hor".
I'm meanwhile trying to support her head a bit,
so she doesnt hurt herself more.
Mushka: "Why s'rait?" (blood)
"Vu Sheina hot a boo boo?"
"Mushka braing mamie epes far Sheina's herelach!"
The more i'm yelling, the slower she went.
I calmly say: "Mushka gei shnel."
Then, knock, knock, knock, knock....
I'm thinking, "Yes, maybe someone came home to help me."
For by now Sheina is very agitated.
I'm nervous.
I dont want her choking on the blood.
knock, knock, knock, knock...
I cannot get up to get the door, for i'm supporting her head,
watching her,trying to get her out of the blood,
cleaning her as much as i can...
AND trying to answer Mushka's 99 questions as calmly as possible.
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
Gritting my teeth,
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
She starts to go.. comes back...
"I scared.."
It's the neighbour's kid, he left his ball here earlier.
Now Sheina wants to get up, to go to bed.
She needs support otherwise she will fall again and hurt herself.
But, You see Master Planner,
I don't really have the koach to lift her by myself..
I guess You wanted to show me that i could,
but did You remember my back?...

Painstakingly, i managed to clean her up, change her clothes,
support her up, walk her to bed, change her diaper...
"Mushka braing me the wipes".
"Where?, which?"
Oh no, Sheina is about to fall again,
wham, half on half off the bed.
All the while, mind you,
Mushka hacking me with her string of questions...

Swollen lip,
deformed cheek,
bloody nose.
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
her mouth is.
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
my heart is.

Today you have broken me.


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