I Dubbed it "Marrakesh".

Only a year later....

Tatte ich beink noch dir


Sheesh, do they really have to "reform" everything?!?

A Postcard from Manchester, England.

Och.
Regretting that I "gave in".
Especially now.
Shucks.

A Green Shirt. Like Yours

Reformed (Pun intended, for real) version.

A Special Tribute

Music is Playing

Birthday piece.

Pass the Cake please.

Peace piece

Peace! For G-d's Sake (Editorial & Commentary)

My Torah

http://www.industrymailout.com/Industry/LandingPage.aspx?id=239876&lm=13828699&q=74900691&qz=37389

STOP!

http://mikvah.org/inside.asp?id=409

She Kneads her needs away... chabad.org

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/637738/jewish/When-She-Kneads.htm

"Handle with Care" (the butchered version)

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/618408/jewish/Handle-With-Care.htm

Today was Sheina's Birthday (Article)

Today was Sheina's birthday.

This morning before she went off to school, I said to her:

"Sheina, today is your birthday, you are thirteen years old."

She showed me thirteen in ASL (American Sign Language).

"Look, we got you a chocolate birthday cake, with flowers and cream, just the kind you so enjoy.

She displayed excitement.

"You will take it to school and give a piece to Chris” (her autistic friend). She smiled.

“And a piece to Mr. Parker, (the teacher) to Jovanni, (her aid) to Maria (her shadow) and everyone else in the class.”

She nodded.

She was happy.

That was the point.

And off she went to her special school.

I sat down, said some extra Prayers for her and

I wondered if she even comprehended what a birthday is,

Besides that you get to enjoy some gooey cake.

Then I went to my room, closed the door and cried.

I cried -

for Sheina is different.

Once a year, when I take the day to think and reflect on the past, I cry.

I deserve this luxury, don't I?

I cry because at age thirteen Sheina still needs to be dressed, is still using diapers. I am still feeding her and

washing her,

And it is really truly hard!

My eyes still wet, I remembered the conversation I had with my new friend, Sara, who asked me to tell her about the challenges of living with a special needs child.

Without thinking I said to her,

"Why would you ask me to tell you about the challenges of living with a special needs child. Go ask someone who has challenges...."

(I was thinking of the story, of a man who asked the Baal Shem Tov how it is possible to fulfill the requirement to bless G-d for the bad things no less than for the good ones, and to accept them with joy to boot.

The Baal Shem Tov told him to go and pose the very same question to his student, Reb Zushe of Anipoli and he would receive an answer.

Upon finding Reb Zushe the man observed more suffering and hardship than he had ever seen. Reb Zusha was a frightful pauper, with never enough to eat in his home.

His family was beset with all sorts of afflictions and illnesses, yet he remained good-humored and cheerful.

When the man explained the purpose of his visit and awaited the answer, Reb Zushe, with a puzzled look replied "I think there must be a mistake.How would I know? The Rebbe should have sent you to someone who has experienced suffering.")

Oh, now don't get me wrong. I most definitely have challenges, struggles, but not necessarily more from my special child.

I always say, there are "G-d given problems" and, although everything is from G-d, there are "Man-made problems" struggles, confrontations and issues that we create.

Giving birth to a "challenged" child is a "G-d given problem" those problems we just take. We just accept without calculations. What else can we do?

Sheina was just given to us. She is different, not the typical child we are used to. But her soul is perfect; nothing can mar it. We have nothing to add.

When we give birth to a “normal” child, G-d says, "Here, take this thing and mold him/her into a mentch! Do the best you can with this lump, shape him, guide him etc."

And we try so hard, we never know if we are doing the right thing, we never know how our efforts or decisions will affect this child. What worked for one will not necessarily work for the other. We worry and worry (as if that helps).

We pray and we pray. And then we pray some more.

We wish for the perfect results. Then if, heaven protect us, the child doesn't "turn out" as we planned it, doesn't follow our roadmap, goes off the beaten path... then, oh woah, we are devastated! We are ashamed, we feel like we failed.

Now, that is a challenge.

Sheina, on the other hand, came to me molded already. It was nurturing she needed. G-d said, "Here is this thing, take her home and take extra good care of her, for she is special."

So, yes, though she is now thirteen I still need to wash her, feed her, diaper her,

but I don't have any of the worries (or shtick) from her that I’ve had from my other teenagers. I’m not concerned that she will mix with bad friends or stay out late. I don't have the worry that she will go off the beaten path.

Sheina is non-verbal,her limited communication delivered

via sign-language.

There will be no chutzpa coming out of her mouth, no defiance, no talking back. Her soul is pure.

When we are out in the public, yes she will do embarrassing things, make weird noises and attract attention. Yet the shame I have is nothing compared to the shame and deep pain I experience when my other "challenges" (a.k.a. children) choose to disregard or confront me.

That is something to cry about.

So I wiped my tears,

Came out of my room, and continued to live.

For these are the regular ups and downs of our lives.

It is all part of Tzaar Gidul Bonim,

The pain and anguish that comes with raising children.

As I thought about it I wondered,

Perhaps these are MY GROWING pains...

So if you ask me, what are my challenges living with a special needs child?

I will ask you what are your challenges living your “normal” life? Are they really any less?

We attempted to give Sheina an especially joyous day.

She partied with lots of her favorite foods.

We Sang Happy Birthday to her,

Put extra coins in the Charity box,

Said some Torah Passages.

Her volunteer came and brought her new nail polish, a rainbow of colors.

She got a balloon and two new sets of memory games.

Sheina was happy. And so was I.

Thank G-d.

Dear MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE...

Today, G-d Almighty, you have broken me.
My heart, and my back.
Today, Aibershter, you have outdone yourself.

You have given me Sheina.
Thank you very much.
Did i ever complain to you?
Did i ever say take her back?
You tested me and you tested me.
I think i passed, maybe not with flying colors -
but passed nonetheless.

It's about her Seizures,
that i would like to discuss with you today.
They are always frightening.
It aint easy for me to watch her turn blue and shake.
L'tza'areinu harav, i've become sort of accustomed to them.
Any loud "bang" -
Uh oh, Sheina.
I run,
she is on the floor blue and shaking...
But Master of the Universe !
What happened, You got bored?
The regular seizures, the ones she doesnt get majorly hurt
wasn't good enough to break me???
Not enough that You gave her a seizure while i was
washing her in the shower??
Not enough that she fell flat on her face,
lost a tooth ???
(Which by the way, we are still going for appt's. to take care of that one.
And You know how much i hate appt's.)
Yes, i must admit though You were always kind enough to make sure
someone else was home,
to throw me a pillow to count with me,
to help get her out of the bath.
Someone to help me carry her into bed.
And stam, someone to be with me, to stop my shaking...
Do i thank YOU for this consideration?
I guess so. Boruch Hashem.
Oh, i also want to thank You for the time that You made me look
at the exact second i did,
and managed to catch her in mid-air.
That was something.

I never kvetched to You about her.
(okay maybe i did, once in while..)
I took it.
I call it a "G-D Made Problem."
Those problems, you just take.

But today, Aibershter, you broke me!
Not only was i home alone,
(okay Mushka was home, but You try getting her to help...)
But Ribono Shel Olam,
Such a wham?!
She just had one last week !
I heard the scratch of the chair -
ran to the playroom...
find her flat on her face, in a pool of blood,
blue and shaking....
I know not to move her,
but hey i got to see where she is bleeding from.
Forget the counting.
I find a towel, put it under her face.
Her hair is in blood, got to tie it back.
"Mushka, braing a ponytail far sheina's hor".
I'm meanwhile trying to support her head a bit,
so she doesnt hurt herself more.
Mushka: "Why s'rait?" (blood)
"Vu Sheina hot a boo boo?"
"Mushka braing mamie epes far Sheina's herelach!"
The more i'm yelling, the slower she went.
I calmly say: "Mushka gei shnel."
Then, knock, knock, knock, knock....
I'm thinking, "Yes, maybe someone came home to help me."
For by now Sheina is very agitated.
I'm nervous.
I dont want her choking on the blood.
knock, knock, knock, knock...
I cannot get up to get the door, for i'm supporting her head,
watching her,trying to get her out of the blood,
cleaning her as much as i can...
AND trying to answer Mushka's 99 questions as calmly as possible.
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
"No."
Gritting my teeth,
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
She starts to go.. comes back...
"I scared.."
Finally....
It's the neighbour's kid, he left his ball here earlier.
Shucks.
Now Sheina wants to get up, to go to bed.
She needs support otherwise she will fall again and hurt herself.
But, You see Master Planner,
I don't really have the koach to lift her by myself..
I guess You wanted to show me that i could,
but did You remember my back?...

Painstakingly, i managed to clean her up, change her clothes,
support her up, walk her to bed, change her diaper...
"Mushka braing me the wipes".
"Where?, which?"
Oh no, Sheina is about to fall again,
wham, half on half off the bed.
All the while, mind you,
Mushka hacking me with her string of questions...

Swollen lip,
deformed cheek,
bloody nose.
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
her mouth is.
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
my heart is.

MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE !
Today you have broken me.

PLEASE DON'T DO IT AGAIN!