Tuesday, July 31, 2007
So i decided to chap arein and chotch write a few words.
Basically oy i only have one minute left..... till the clock turns 12:00
Hey, the time is a few minutes earlier here, maybe it writes it when i started.
So, as i was saying, it looks like i'm winding down.
Ein Chadash Tachat Hashemesh.
And I'm wondering if maybe i am going back to how
things used to be....
Keep things to myself more...
Actually, we will see what happens....
Monday, July 30, 2007
I'm debating whether to tell you this, because basically i was a fool. Maybe still am. I guess once a fool always a fool. Unless you take the lesson, G-d throws you, seriously.
Anyhow not to get distracted, you know Dear Diary, i have a tendency to do that, go off onto something totally random...
B'kitzur, or as they say to make a short story long....
I was at the shore, and a Fish jumped in my lap. Really, it's true, i know you don't believe me. Okay, so i did put some bait out. Anyhow, cute cute Fish, with a cute cute nose. Do fish have a nose? It was my "treasure". We talked, we played, we swam etc... Then i put the Fish in my back pocket for safe keeping, but it kept squirming in there. Oy to me that i wasn't sensitive enough to my poor Fish. I'm like, "Why are you being so jumpy in there?" Not getting the HINT that i need to throw it back into the ocean... and let it live.
Oy to me.
Do you see Dear Diary, why i was a fool ?
And why am i still a fool?
Dear Diary that would be way too foolish of me to tell you. ;)
(Al Tishali Oti, 3 words...)
OY AIBERSHTER !!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The gift of attending Rabbi Shusterman's Chassidus Shiur.
The Maamor they were in the middle of was,
"Mayim Rabim lo Yuchlu l'chvos es ha'ahava.... "
Three interpretations of "ECHOD".
1) Only ONE. No other G-ds, no idols.
2)No one BUT Him, d'haynu, He don't have any partners. Shituf.
Only the Yidden arenot permitted to believe in Shituf.
An example of Shituf would be,
if we believed that our Parnossa comes from our hard work or our ingeniosity.
We cannot give credence to Parnossa itself, it's all Hashem.
Parnossa should not and cannot interfere with our learning or doing what Hashem wants.
Parnossa is like the axe that you chop with, just the vehicle.
Therefore you do not praise the axe for doing the job.
If you do, that is Shituf.
3) ONE. Noone LIKE Him. Ain Kayotzei boi.
Hashem is "Finite AND Infinite"
His Finite is Infinite and
His Infinite is Finite.
Not a concept we can comprehend.
(But IS nevertheless.)
The punchline here : (my own)
When we do a Mitzvah, WE REVEAL THAT LEVEL OF HASHEM !!
(the level that shows that ECHOD.)
This is interesting:
Because Hashem is Finite and Infinite,
He can make a square circle.
He can reveal time and place ABOVE time and place.
An example we have for this is in the Kodesh Hakodoshim,
The ARON -
10 amos measured from one end of Aron to the wall.
10 amos from the other end of the Aron to the wall.
The Aron was 21/2 amos in length.
If you measured from one end of the Kodesh Hakodoshim to the other
it was 20 amos !!
The Aron didnt take up any physical space!
Now how is that for OUR G-D?
The Alter Rebbe Leaves S. Petersburg, after his second term of imprisonment.
In the year 5624/1864
Passing of Rabbi Hillel of Paritch.
Reb Hillel Paritcher, ranks among the most celebrated of Chabad Chasidim.
He was married before he was 13, therefore his nickname Chol Hamoed, he wore a tallis before wearing tefillin.
Perhaps more on him later, maybe not.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
My own Jargon, bilti muga..
There are 2 aspects to loving the Aibershter.
The Chitzoniyus -
The Chitzoniyus of the heart is the love that flares up from our own work in understanding and meditating and knowing the greatness of Hashem, ain sof.
This is a revealed love in one's heart.
The Pinimius of the heart is the innermost point of the heart - the depth of the heart.
This cannot be achieved on our own, it is given to the soul as a gift. And our task is to discover it within ourselves.
A Yid's love for the Aibershter may be so great that it touches his soul's essence which transcends logic and reason. (like when something is very n'goya us, it touches us so deeply, that we end up saying or doing things without logic and reason.)
The Pinimius of the heart, is a radiation of Chochma, which has there concealed the actual light of Hashem.
And this is the Ni'tzutz Elokus that is in every Jewish soul. The Shechina.
The reason that not every one is zoche to the service of a Pinimi, is that the Shechina is in Golus, it is in a state of Captivity.
The Milah - Orlah gasa - thick foreskin. -----Coarse desires.
The Priya - Klipa daka - thin membrane. --- Subtle desires.
We need to circumcise the desires of the heart.
a person needs to remove the coarse desires as well as the more subtler ones.
To remove the foreskin of our heart, a Yid can do himself with proper Teshuva, but the innermost point of our heart is still covered by klipah., for it is in captivity.
When Moshiach comes, Hashem will perform the ultimate circumcision our hearts...
( i believe though that we are able to experience the removal and have the Shechina out of captivity for a few moments, and that is DURING DAVENING.)
A way to achieve the removal of the spiritual foreskin to by giving TZEDAKA.
What's da use of the treasure, if i ain't usin' it?
I had a Gem, okay technically i still have it, but if i ain't usin' it ; it almost feels like i don't have it.
The Treasure is safely in my back pocket. You know, Diary, it's a good feeling to have something precious in your back pocket, kind of like in an emergency, but then its so hard to determine when is it really an emergency or not. If there are tears, is that an emergency? How about if i know, and say to myself, "This too will pass". Then i guess its never a major emergency, bh for that. But how about minor issues... like stam... can i use my Gem then? Ah, you don't know what to tell me.
When does the period go in the quotations? And when does the period go inside the parenthesis?
Ah, its so freeing and so cool to write without all those silly dots...., especially when it's just you and me here.
Anyhow back to the issue at hand.
Will the value of It be depreciated if i do use it too much?
Will It's value diminish if not used?
Which do i want?
(Ringing in my ears, oysh. "Replace that Jewel....")
Am i confused? crazy? lonely? immature ?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
My heart, and my back.
Today, Aibershter, you have outdone yourself.
You have given me Sheina.
Thank you very much.
Did i ever complain to you?
Did i ever say take her back?
You tested me and you tested me.
I think i passed, maybe not with flying colors -
but passed nonetheless.
It's about her Seizures,
that i would like to discuss with you today.
They are always frightening.
It aint easy for me to watch her turn blue and shake.
L'tza'areinu harav, i've become sort of accustomed to them.
Any loud "bang" -
Uh oh, Sheina.
she is on the floor blue and shaking...
But Master of the Universe !
What happened, You got bored?
The regular seizures, the ones she doesnt get majorly hurt
wasn't good enough to break me???
Not enough that You gave her a seizure while i was
washing her in the shower??
Not enough that she fell flat on her face,
lost a tooth ???
(Which by the way, we are still going for appt's. to take care of that one.
And You know how much i hate appt's.)
Yes, i must admit though You were always kind enough to make sure
someone else was home,
to throw me a pillow to count with me,
to help get her out of the bath.
Someone to help me carry her into bed.
And stam, someone to be with me, to stop my shaking...
Do i thank YOU for this consideration?
I guess so. Boruch Hashem.
Oh, i also want to thank You for the time that You made me look
at the exact second i did,
and managed to catch her in mid-air.
That was something.
I never kvetched to You about her.
(okay maybe i did, once in while..)
I took it.
I call it a "G-D Made Problem."
Those problems, you just take.
But today, Aibershter, you broke me!
Not only was i home alone,
(okay Mushka was home, but You try getting her to help...)
But Ribono Shel Olam,
Such a wham?!
She just had one last week !
I heard the scratch of the chair -
ran to the playroom...
find her flat on her face, in a pool of blood,
blue and shaking....
I know not to move her,
but hey i got to see where she is bleeding from.
Forget the counting.
I find a towel, put it under her face.
Her hair is in blood, got to tie it back.
"Mushka, braing a ponytail far sheina's hor".
I'm meanwhile trying to support her head a bit,
so she doesnt hurt herself more.
Mushka: "Why s'rait?" (blood)
"Vu Sheina hot a boo boo?"
"Mushka braing mamie epes far Sheina's herelach!"
The more i'm yelling, the slower she went.
I calmly say: "Mushka gei shnel."
Then, knock, knock, knock, knock....
I'm thinking, "Yes, maybe someone came home to help me."
For by now Sheina is very agitated.
I dont want her choking on the blood.
knock, knock, knock, knock...
I cannot get up to get the door, for i'm supporting her head,
watching her,trying to get her out of the blood,
cleaning her as much as i can...
AND trying to answer Mushka's 99 questions as calmly as possible.
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
Gritting my teeth,
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
She starts to go.. comes back...
It's the neighbour's kid, he left his ball here earlier.
Now Sheina wants to get up, to go to bed.
She needs support otherwise she will fall again and hurt herself.
But, You see Master Planner,
I don't really have the koach to lift her by myself..
I guess You wanted to show me that i could,
but did You remember my back?...
Painstakingly, i managed to clean her up, change her clothes,
support her up, walk her to bed, change her diaper...
"Mushka braing me the wipes".
Oh no, Sheina is about to fall again,
wham, half on half off the bed.
All the while, mind you,
Mushka hacking me with her string of questions...
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
her mouth is.
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
my heart is.
MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE !
Today you have broken me.
PLEASE DON'T DO IT AGAIN!
Friday, July 20, 2007
There are no "rays" IN the sun.
As soon as rays hits its source, the sun,
IT (the ray) becomes sun.
There is no Memale kol Olmin IN the or ein sof.
As soon as it hits its source,
IT becomes the Or ein sof.
The only way to release the ray,
is thru tzimtzum...
the kav etc....
Thursday, July 19, 2007
to support/sustain the INTELLECT (head) that contemplates Hashem's greatness, and the LOVE and FEAR (arms) of Hashem?
( The loins support the upper body).
It's TORAH (SHE'BAAL PEH).
The Torah is the food that nourishes the soul's faith.
AIN OIZ ELO TORAH.
"There is no strength but Torah".
"Girding one's loins" in order to arouse a love and fear of Hashem...
The ideal time for this is during Davening.
Davening is the ideal opportunity to meditate on the Greatness of Hashem and to create within himself a feeling of awe and love of Him.
Concentrate during Davening from the depths of the heart.
(thankyou "lessons in Tanya",
this Sholom Ber Wineberg, he's good.)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
How do we know that Kamtza and Bar Kamtza were fat?
It says so in Gemoro Chullin.
It talks about different fats, namely,
Chemtza, and Bar Chemtza.
(they are actually stomach fats of animal,
which are/aren't kosher etc...)
Whereas, when we show our face in the water, there is no effort, it is an automatic reflection.
Hence my wondering, and forshening.
Aye likes Bee.
Aye would do anything for Bee.
Aye would love to spend time with Bee.
K'mayim Haponim... you would think, right?
The reflection is epes cloudy.
Still investigating what the Posuk
means? And if we do need to meditate then
its the responsibilty of Bee to WANT to
Its our obligation to think about and contemplate about the
Aibershter's love towards us.
I guess it stops there.
Bee is not obligated to do anything, right?
So what does the possuk mean?
Just thinking to myself.
Been thinking bout it for a while.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I said stam.
Israel, folded arms, Mimi, Chaya, Chava, no birthday call, extremely busy, Gary, swimming pool, Ber L., Dictionary, Fish, heCS, sheCS, floor/broom, Moshe Ganz hall, Y.O.E.C., Beis Betzalel, ultra, Brocha, telephone wires, pushka, My password,Canuck, car mechanic, Machon Lev, James, fluffy towels/suitcase, Hesder guys, Shua, convertible, Simi K., red hearts, after the 3rd day he was able to see outta his left eye...
This "world is built on kindness,"
through mild suffering in This World one is saved from severe judgments in Olam haba.
Accept pain and sufferings b'simcha. It's a cleanser.
A little bit in this world has a big effect in the upper world.
One mitzvah here - big things happening Above, to Sovev Kol Almin...
The reward of a Mitzvah is the Mitzvah....the spiritual "light" that is brought down through the fulfillment of the mitzvah.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
You think of a something and then this shmeggey asks you 20 questions and you answer "yes, no or sometimes".
Then they are supposed to guess your word.
My "thing" was
They asked me all sorts of questions.
Their guess :
We try again.
They ask more questions.
Their guess :
Not bad , huh?
Wanna try again?
Pretty amazing, no?
Should we try again?
They can't get it.
Well who does?
or the opposite - this first, then that..
Rabbi Tarfun was the epitome of Kibud Eim.
Performing the mitzva of, that is.
And what do the Chachomim say about him?
That with all his Kibud Eim, he still didnt get to
half of what the Torah demands in that area.
hea - vy.
b'shem omroy - heshy.
"Why are you crying?" he asked his mom.
"Because I'm a mother," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
His mom just hugged him and said, "You never will!"
Later the little boy asked his father why Mother
seemed to cry for no reason.
"All mothers cry for no reason," was all his dad could
The little boy grew up and became a man, still
wondering why mothers cry. So he finally put in a call to G-d and
when G-d got on the phone the man said, "God, why do mothers
cry so easily."
G-d said, "You see son, when I made mothers
they had to be special. I made their shoulders strong enough to
carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give
comfort. I gave them an
inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection
that many times come from their children.
"I gave them a hardiness that allows them to keep
going when everyone else gives up, and to take care of their
families through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
"I gave them the sensitivity to love their children
under all circumstances, even when their child has hurt
them very badly.
This same sensitivity helps them to make a
child's boo-boo feel better and helps them share a teenager's
anxieties and fears.
"I gave them a tear to shed. It's theirs exclusively to
use whenever it's needed. It's their only weakness.
It's a tear for mankind.
When the good L-rd was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the L-rd said, "Have you read the specs on this order? --
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; Have 180 moveable parts . . . all replaceable; Run on black coffee and leftovers; Have a lap that disappears when she stands up; A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; And six pairs of hands...
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands . . . no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the L-rd. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The L-rd nodded.
"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"L-rd," said the angel, touching His sleeve gently, "Come to bed. Tomorrow . . ."
"I can't," said the L-rd, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick . . . can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger . . . and can get a nine year-old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said The Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
The angel asked, "Can it think?"
"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said The Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the L-rd, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?" asked the angel.
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride," The L-rd replied.
"You are a genius," said the angel.
The L-rd looked somber.
"I didn't put it there," he said.
"In accordance with Your abounding compassion, erase my transgressions".
We are asking Hashem to forgive us and we are SO sure that He will, therefore we say the brocha of;
Boruch ata Hashem chanun hamarbe l'sloiach.
One who pardons abundantly.
(i like that word.)
Sofek brochos l'hokel.
We are forbidden to recite a brocha of doubtful obligation, for fear it be in vain.
Were there even the slightest doubt as to whether Hashem forgives the sinner, we would never have been commanded to recite the brocha.
But there is no doubt here whatsoever!
For we have asked "...Forgive us".
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Before going to Varda i called to confirm that the pool was available for me. Will not go if anyone else is there. No one answered, no one home, i have the key, i head over there. When i get to the gate i hear people's voices and children's frolickings. "Oh no", i think (i assumed) "So someone IS there. Shucks!" I start to turn around to go back home. Then i stop in my tracks and reconsider. Whip my key out, open the gate, march to the back to the pool and lo and behold !
guess what was?
Oh no don't guess, then you will be assuming...
The place was still and EMPTY.
The sounds were coming from the neighbours.
(Is that what you assumed?)
You want to hear more ass u me ing stories ?
what do i have?
well i have the beach 1/2 an hour away,
and i bh have the ability to bike ride.
but that would mean someone to take care of mushka,
that would mean rushing back to take sheina off the bus,
that would mean driving....
and that would take much time.
what else do i have?
well i have the key to Varda's pool.
never mind i havent gone swimin' in ...
dont even know how long.
yes, great idea,
need to air my head...
need to move my body.
Bh they are not home.
throw mushka in the stroller,
8 minute walk there,
saving time, saying tehillim on the way.
10 minute swim....
out of breath...
i guess "round" is really not a shape...
play with mushka,
two more laps.
think bout what im gonna write.
(yes i know i said i was done..
so sue me... he he )
the whole outing - less than an hour.
that was very good.
my head is clear,
i can now think again...
i can now think
of the thing i dont have and will probably never have..
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
five lanes wide open,
can i go as fast as i want?
80 feels comfortable,
is that too fast?
what's the speed limit anyhow?
doesnt say anywhere.
i have a "tiny" feeling 80 may be over the limit.
but that's it - not gonna go higher,
(i remember when i wouldnt even dare go that fast).
too bad if a car is tailgating....
i think 80 is pretty accommodating..
music blaring, coasting along,
uh oh, the Highway Patrol. (HP)
what is the speed limit ?
not knowing, is not gonna fly very well at "court".
everyone else is doing it,
cant be that bad,
that aint gonna fly very well either.
but i slow down,
i dont want to be cited,
besides the fact, im in a rush
aint got time to be stopped..
yes ! the HP turned off at the exit.
back to my 80.
but im still abit concerned,
there may be another one lurking around.
not uptight enough to slow down though,
there i am freewaying along,
hey now its crawling up to 84..
interesting, i think.
Hasgocho Protis. (HP)
im doing something
i didnt used to feel comfortable doing.
(80 was way too fast)
now im so fine with it,
and the only thing bothering me ,
is getting caught!
And now that the bar was raised, so to speak,
83, 84 doesnt seem to be a big deal either....
are my boundaries tzumished?
am i uninhibited?
am i too freeee...
Monday, July 9, 2007
"all shlosha devorim ho'olom oimed,
al hatora, al ha-avoda v'al gemilus chassodim"
that is what the world stands on.
what do i stand on?
i have a feeling i dont have what to stand on...
much to say but ich halt zich ain...
as Shimon, ben gamliel, says later on in the perek,
"....v'loi motzosi l'guf, tov mishtika..."
so i guess i'll go eat ice cream.
with pickles. maybe.
("I once heard someone be medayeik that the good that comes from silence is not just avoidance of issur, but is a physical good to the body - lo matzasi tov *laguf*....")
b'shem omroy : chaim b. on a comment...
I know that my "crutch" is not gone forever.
I know i can still use it,
Hopefully i will not abuse it.
but if i turn my crutch into a knickknack,
can i abuse it then?
i guess i can,
for then its just a toy,
oohhh this is gonna be fun....
because technically i having nothing to lose.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
barely able to take another step, but im shlepping along...
finally from the distance i spot an oasis, with a spring or well to refresh myself.
my steps are a bit lighter now.
i slowly make my way there, and yes, beautiful greenery, and a well..
but im still a bit cautious, what if the owner doesnt let me in..
hey im desperate, so i charm my way in and wow what a relief.
the water is fresh and cool, its relaxing. its great!
boruch hashem i have found refuge there.
with every passing day, though, in the back of my mind
a) i need to move on
b) what if the kindness of
my host expires? kotonti mikol hachasodim... and
c) perhaps this is not right for me.
but the perks overweigh this and im living it up.
out of extreme gratefulness to my hosts, i offer to help them,
and do whatever they want me to -
i so appreciate wht they do for me.
there is a bounce in my walk now, im not lonely anymore,
overcoming obstacles are now a breeze, i am rejuvenated.
i am oh so happy.
then i guess i overstepped my boundary, i felt so close to my hosts
that i walked uninvited into their personal territory.
and boy did i get a beating.
my hosts show me the door.
they dont need me there,
they have other travellers to entertain.
im too hyper for them,
and besides im too old to drink their water, they say.
i look at the "exit" sign, but cant really see it,
my eyes are too blury.
so i stand there all melancholy,
wondering what now.
"go" they say, youre very nice and all but
so there i am trudging along in the desert, getting thirsty and lonely.
i turn around, i look back.
i dream for that oasis,
i yen for that sanctum.
i know they dont want me,
i know they dont need me
but how i ache for that haven.
epilogue to follow...
he he he..
i think thats very funny.
he was hungry, took a piece of the very yummy fresh 'hot out of the oven' kugel she also wanted a piece and shared it with the whole crew....
now they are all 'pasmakeven di lippen'.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
should i, or should i not.
i know i shouldn't but i want to.
not a big deal, right?
yes a big deal.
but i WANT to !
it feels good, its fun etc...
its not right.
its not worth it.
there is an aibershter oif der velt...
and i was created by Him, to serve Him.
His will against mine.
"Oh Sam, hello, how are you? how is everything?
how is it going?"
"Rabbi, everything is going pretty well, thankyou,
but you know what Rabbi, it wouldnt hurt if things
were a bit better..."
"And how do you know it wouldnt hurt?"
Monday, July 2, 2007
HEY - wider, elaborates, BINA, explaining and understanding. DAAS
longer, extension and flow downward...
VOV line down, downward extension, the 6 (vov) attributes, CHESED GEVURA, TIFERES, NETZACH,HOD and YESOD.
HEY again the elaborating and bringing down, the middos, into MALCHUS or is it thru malchus, for malchus is the
speech, bringing out , bringing down connecting it....
Sunday, July 1, 2007
that an old couple was 'helped' and had a baby boy, without going to any tzaddikim..
"The Ribono shel olam," said the Koshnitzer with a smile, "did a very smart thing, usually people travel to the Chozeh of Lublin, or to me.
Here, Hashem Yisborech showed that He too can give children..."