Sunday, September 28, 2008

What are you cooking now?

Fish for Rosh Hashono.
Is it going to be a head?
Big or little?
Does it have an eye?
Will it talk?
It's going to be quiet the whole time?
Does it have a mouth?
Is it smiling?
It's happy?
Do we also eat pomegranate?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Dee: How am I going to do Tashlich here?

Me: You can do it by the sink. Not in the bathroom.
Dee and Cee: We don't have any other water here.
Me: Well, wherever you would get a drink of water, water fountain?
Dee: We don't have water, we're in jail!!

Enter elevator.

Goyims: How are you, Imam?
Imam: Very good.


Me: I too am fine, thank G-d.
Thank you for asking.

Chuckle chuckle...

Imam Introduces us.

Goyims wants to shake hands.

Me doesn't.

Goyims excitingly remembers watching a program all about these things... wants to talk more to me...

Elevator doors open.... me exits.

Goyims catches me later in Lobby.

Interrupts me and imam talking.

Again with excitement...."is it true you need to cover your hair?...."

Me: "Yep, this is a wig I am wearing".

Goyim: "This is the first time meeting someone...

Me: "You want my autograph?"

Laughs, chuckles....

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Apple n' Honey. Duh.

There is a difference between the sweetness of an apple and the sweetness of honey. An apple is a sweet fruit which grows on a tree. Honey comes from a bee--an insect that is not only inedible, it actually stings. Nevertheless the honey that it produces is sweet. In fact, honey is sweeter than an apple!

Similarly, there are two types of sweetness in our lives: we have times of family celebration, personal triumphs and harmonious relationships. These are sweet times like the apple is sweet. But then there is a sweetness that comes from times of challenge. When things don't go the way that we would like them to, when tragedy strikes, when we fail to reach the goals we expected of ourselves, when our relationships are being strained and tested, when we feel alone.

At the time when we are facing these challenges, they seem bitter and insurmountable, like the sting of a bee. But if we are strong and withstand the difficult times, and overcome the obstacles to our own happiness, we reveal layers of our personality that we would never have tapped into if we weren't challenged. Something deeper is brought out when we are tested. Tension in a relationship is painful, but there's nothing better than reconciling after that tension. Loneliness can eat us up, but it can open us to higher levels of self-knowledge too.

In the year to come the apples should bring sweetness, and what the "bee stings" bring should be even sweeter!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Pencils have erasers for a reason

If we do the wrong things we have a second chance to correct them.

"You appreciate faith when you have nothing else besides faith."

Apple Mango Tango ?!?!?!

Ichy Pichy

Monday, September 22, 2008


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Today I witnessed "dead" people, all wearing green shirts and pants, moving.

D. sprung to life when she saw me enter.
"Shalom." she told me. "I am so happy you came."

Her eyes lit up...
she fingered the 6 oz. carton of orange juice....
quietly remarked...
"I haven't had orange juice in 3 months."
Fafambled the brocha...
and drank.

We repeated the Brocha properly.
She drank some more.

Pulling up to the front of the Federal Detention Center...

Me: "Where can I park?"
Guard #1: "Down the street, make a right on Temple St...."
Guard #2: "Or, you can turn around and park in the lot across the street."
Me: "Oh great thank you. Can I turn around right here?"
Guard #1 : "Um it's illegal, but hey I'm not telling you what to do". And laughs.
Me: Laughs.
Guard #2 : "I wouldn't do it, too many ("cops", I think he said I couldn't hear well) around here."
Me: As I'm about to make the U-turn, "What better place to do something illegal than right here in front of this building."
And we all laugh.

I make my turn.
Walk back.
Wave to the guards and enter the building.

An hour later.
I'm walking out the building.
Waving to the guards across the plaza.
Yelling, "Never make any illegal turns!!"


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Federal Detention Center

Are you ready??

If they were wrongly accused or there b'shogeg then this might be okay to say.....

Ki sovoi...
"You shall go to the place the Eternal your G-d will choose" - a Jew must know that when he goes from one place to another, he is not going on his own, but is being directed from Above. And the intention and purpose in this is... " cause His Name to dwell there" that is, to make G-d known in the place to which he was Divinely led.

You are to utterly dedicate yourself to making G-d known there. How does one "make G-d known"? With a B'racha and a posuk of Tehillim."

I will bezrat hashem provide snacks and a Tehillim.
When they asked the Mitteler Rebbe - "Don't you hear this Parsha every year?" he replied,

"When father reads, one hears no curses."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Da Full Moon.

"The moon of my night"

Monday, September 15, 2008

Stam news...

The white top "our Sarah Palin" wore on Shabbos had cashmere in it. Her laundress didn't realize that till it came out of the wash....

Lesson for the day - Don't wash cashmere in warm water with bleach.

I said it was stam.


There is a lump under the covers.

The shelves are empty.

The place is quiet.

Too quiet.

No laughter.


"Don't cry" you said. But that was yesterday.
What about today?

In Preparation for Chai Elul...

Alter Rebbe, Shneur Z.

"Do you know what ohr means?"
"Yes, light"
"Good, do you know what shnei means?
(as I'm lifting two fingers)

Friday, September 12, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

"I have so much to do."

(I'm thinking probably dishes, laundry etc...)

"It's already a week into Elul and I haven't done anything."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Don't judge me till you are in my place....

and since you will never get to "my place", meaning - have my strengths, my weaknesses, my challenges etc..., then you are NEVER going to get that chance to judge me.

True Story

Knock knock.
"Hi, we're missionaries from the blah blah blah church."
"Oh, no thank you, good-bye."
"Is there anything we can do for your family today?"
"Um, do you do windows?"
"Oh sure, we would love to do that, really."
"It's okay, I was just joking."

"In that case how about cleaning my toilets?" Is what I should have said and made them do!

And they politely left.
The bounce in the step...

The twinkle in the eye...

The smile in the heart....


Time does not heal -

Perhaps it dulls.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Rebbe writes....

The idea of bitachon is to feel reassured and convinced that Hashem will help overcome all difficulties in life, both material and spiritual, since 'G-d is my light and my help'. (L'dovid Hashem oiri v'yishi, which is said throughout the month of elul, the month of preparation for the new year..)

It is especially certain that everyone, man or woman, is able to carry out his or her mission in life, and do so with joy, reflection on the extraordinary privilege of having been chosen by G-d to he His emissary on earth for the purpose of dira b'tachtonim and with the assurance of having G-d's light, help and fortitude to carry out this mission.

Why allow yourself to know the truth???

Suddenly my Russian host turns to me, looks me in the eye, and says, "I think you are a spy!"
"Why do you think that?" I ask in wonderment , at the same time thinking, What on earth?!
Look at your teeth," he replies, pointing at the rows of metal lining my pearly whites.
"Those are called braces, dude!"
"That's what you say. But I know that they really hold a radio inside them that allows you to transmit anything that you want to wherever you want. It's a very sophisticated system, " he said, as if impressed, "but nobody pulls something like that over Boris. You are a spy, is what I'm thinking."
What a nutcase, is what I'm thinking.

What are you going to say to someone like that?
He knew the details, had the entire plot figured out, and the fact that he was totally off base made no difference to him at all. Why allow yourself to be ruled by reality if you can just as easily live in a world of fantasy?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Do you regret not...?

Even if I do -

that is something I will have to live with.

rex racer

Saturday, September 6, 2008

A Special Tribute

Friday, September 5, 2008

Lots and lots of....

....holiness ....unholiness

....children k"eh ....litter

...israelies k"eh ....meshugoyim

guess where

Monday, September 1, 2008

The nimshal is clear

The king is going to test the devotion of his people, his nation.

King will drop a feather from his palace window.
On whomever the feather lands, he will be zoche to be the king's korbon. (Yes, he will die, for the king's sake).

All gather below the window.
Shouts of, "Long live the king" can be heard.
The king gently drops the feather out of the window.
The people, the nation, are huddled together shouting with great devotion - "Long live the king!,
Long live the King!"
And the feather is slowly making it's way down towards the enthusiastic crowd.
As the feather reaches the heads of the shouting citizens -
you see them raising their heads -
the feather
from them,
between shouts of: "Long live the King".