ERMA BOMBECK,
she is SO funny.

I think we could have been friends.

She'he'chyonu...

Today i was contemplating making the brocha of She-he'chyonu....

Phone rings..

"Hello."

"Hi, this is ...... and i was your son .....'s counsellor.
I'm just calling to say thank you for the tip....."

I'm speechless.
I'm in shock.

"Uh, uh...
Your welcome, uh.. thank YOU for being his counsellor..."
Trying to sound composed... say a few words more to him.

By now i got my bearings together.
" You are not from Crown Heights, are you ? "

The Punchline :
Yes ! he is from Crown Heights.

Shehechyonu .....V'higiyonu l'zman hazeh.

I wished him well, gave him brochos....

Toda La'hashem

You see?
Hashem listened to me.

Today Sheina had her seizure -
in bed.
That is the perfect, safety-wise, place to have it.

Thankyou Thankyou,
this is MUCH easier to handle.

Now Hashem, what about the other stuff
i asked you about??
Pleeeeaaaassssse .... oh pretty pleeeeeaaaaaaassssse...

Thanking You in advance.

Very very stam

I used to have a cute nose, or so i thought.

I liked my nose.
It was... umm.. it was, well, it was - cute.
It was the best part of my face, or so i thought.

But today i looked at my face in the mirror , v'lo matzati
da cute nose.
Either it left with my youth or with my weight.
Bein kach, u'bein kach..
ain li my cute nose.
nu ... nu...

ISAIDSTAM !!

Stam....

You can be, with G-d.
You can be, against G-d.
But you can't be, without G-d.


b'shem omroy,
dvd, gag u'magag.

Zoraya TZEDOKO Schar Emes... Mishlei..

Again, trying to clarifize in my cluttered head.
Bilti muga.

The reward for TZEDOKO is TRUTH.
The reward is TRUTH. ( Not that it's a true reward..)

There are two levels of Ahava,
and two levels of Yirah.

The first level we need to aquire on our own, thru contemplation of Hashem's greatness.
The second level, comes to us as a gift from the Aibershter.

This second level is referred to as "truth", for He is the true Truth.
So the love and fear that come from Him ( as the gift to us) are "truth".

How can we merit this loftier level, "The truth of Hashem" ?
By arousing great compassion by Hashem.
How do we arouse the Supernal compassion from the truth of Hashem?
Thru TZEDOKO.
( C0mpassion for others.)

B'very B'kitzur...
The reward for our acts of Tzedoko, is the TRUTH of Hashem, (one of) which is the higher level of Ahava and Yiro for us.

TODA !

Thank you my Rebbe.
Thank you my father.
Thank you Ma Bell.

She's Alive.
She's Living.

Boruch Hashem.

DEAD

Yet Living.

Heart is pumping.
Yet she's Dead.

Brain is functioning.
Yet she's Dead.

Physically alive.
Yet Dead.

She Quit.
She's gone, without wind.

Awaiting -
Boruch Ato Hashem
M'chaya Hamaisim.

Hopefully very very soon.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.


Ze lo hachochma sheli, lo zocheret mi amar et ze.

Looks like the end is coming near...

I just realized that Today is almost over, and this is the first day since i started that ich hob gornisht geshribben.
So i decided to chap arein and chotch write a few words.
Basically oy i only have one minute left..... till the clock turns 12:00

Hey, the time is a few minutes earlier here, maybe it writes it when i started.
Whatever.

So, as i was saying, it looks like i'm winding down.
Ein Chadash Tachat Hashemesh.
And I'm wondering if maybe i am going back to how
things used to be....
Keep things to myself more...

Actually, we will see what happens....

Dear Diary, page 2.

Bh,Hi,
I'm debating whether to tell you this, because basically i was a fool. Maybe still am. I guess once a fool always a fool. Unless you take the lesson, G-d throws you, seriously.
Anyhow not to get distracted, you know Dear Diary, i have a tendency to do that, go off onto something totally random...
B'kitzur, or as they say to make a short story long....

I was at the shore, and a Fish jumped in my lap. Really, it's true, i know you don't believe me. Okay, so i did put some bait out. Anyhow, cute cute Fish, with a cute cute nose. Do fish have a nose? It was my "treasure". We talked, we played, we swam etc... Then i put the Fish in my back pocket for safe keeping, but it kept squirming in there. Oy to me that i wasn't sensitive enough to my poor Fish. I'm like, "Why are you being so jumpy in there?" Not getting the HINT that i need to throw it back into the ocean... and let it live.

Oy to me.

Do you see Dear Diary, why i was a fool ?


And why am i still a fool?
Dear Diary that would be way too foolish of me to tell you. ;)
(Al Tishali Oti, 3 words...)

OY AIBERSHTER !!

OY

How did i not get the hint???
What is with me?
Do i never get hints?
Oy.
Oh and mind you,
It wasn't only one hint.

I guess i didn't want to get it.
Oy.

Big time Oy.

Tidbits of Today's Shiur...

The Gift.
The gift of attending Rabbi Shusterman's Chassidus Shiur.

The Maamor they were in the middle of was,
"Mayim Rabim lo Yuchlu l'chvos es ha'ahava.... "
How charming.

Three interpretations of "ECHOD".
1) Only ONE. No other G-ds, no idols.
2)No one BUT Him, d'haynu, He don't have any partners. Shituf.
Only the Yidden arenot permitted to believe in Shituf.
An example of Shituf would be,
if we believed that our Parnossa comes from our hard work or our ingeniosity.
We cannot give credence to Parnossa itself, it's all Hashem.
Parnossa should not and cannot interfere with our learning or doing what Hashem wants.
Parnossa is like the axe that you chop with, just the vehicle.
Therefore you do not praise the axe for doing the job.
If you do, that is Shituf.

3) ONE. Noone LIKE Him. Ain Kayotzei boi.
Hashem is "Finite AND Infinite"
Contradiction.
His Finite is Infinite and
His Infinite is Finite.
Not a concept we can comprehend.
(But IS nevertheless.)

The punchline here : (my own)
When we do a Mitzvah, WE REVEAL THAT LEVEL OF HASHEM !!
(the level that shows that ECHOD.)

This is interesting:
Because Hashem is Finite and Infinite,
He can make a square circle.
He can reveal time and place ABOVE time and place.
An example we have for this is in the Kodesh Hakodoshim,
The ARON -
10 amos measured from one end of Aron to the wall.
10 amos from the other end of the Aron to the wall.
The Aron was 21/2 amos in length.
If you measured from one end of the Kodesh Hakodoshim to the other
it was 20 amos !!
The Aron didnt take up any physical space!

Now how is that for OUR G-D?

11 Menachem Av

In the year 5561/1801
The Alter Rebbe Leaves S. Petersburg, after his second term of imprisonment.

In the year 5624/1864
Passing of Rabbi Hillel of Paritch.

Reb Hillel Paritcher, ranks among the most celebrated of Chabad Chasidim.
He was married before he was 13, therefore his nickname Chol Hamoed, he wore a tallis before wearing tefillin.

Perhaps more on him later, maybe not.

V'SHOVEHO B'TZDOKO

Trying to make heads and tails...
My own Jargon, bilti muga..


There are 2 aspects to loving the Aibershter.

The Chitzoniyus -
The Pnimiyus.

The Chitzoniyus of the heart is the love that flares up from our own work in understanding and meditating and knowing the greatness of Hashem, ain sof.
This is a revealed love in one's heart.

The Pinimius of the heart is the innermost point of the heart - the depth of the heart.
This cannot be achieved on our own, it is given to the soul as a gift. And our task is to discover it within ourselves.
A Yid's love for the Aibershter may be so great that it touches his soul's essence which transcends logic and reason. (like when something is very n'goya us, it touches us so deeply, that we end up saying or doing things without logic and reason.)

The Pinimius of the heart, is a radiation of Chochma, which has there concealed the actual light of Hashem.
And this is the Ni'tzutz Elokus that is in every Jewish soul. The Shechina.
The reason that not every one is zoche to the service of a Pinimi, is that the Shechina is in Golus, it is in a state of Captivity.

There are 2 aspects to Bris Milah.

The Milah - Orlah gasa - thick foreskin. -----Coarse desires.
The Priya - Klipa daka - thin membrane. --- Subtle desires.

We need to circumcise the desires of the heart.

Just as in bris mila, same applies here,
a person needs to remove the coarse desires as well as the more subtler ones.

To remove the foreskin of our heart, a Yid can do himself with proper Teshuva, but the innermost point of our heart is still covered by klipah., for it is in captivity.
When Moshiach comes, Hashem will perform the ultimate circumcision our hearts...
( i believe though that we are able to experience the removal and have the Shechina out of captivity for a few moments, and that is DURING DAVENING.)

A way to achieve the removal of the spiritual foreskin to by giving TZEDAKA.

V'SHOEHO B'TZDOKO.

Dear Diary,

BH
What's da use of the treasure, if i ain't usin' it?

I had a Gem, okay technically i still have it, but if i ain't usin' it ; it almost feels like i don't have it.
The Treasure is safely in my back pocket. You know, Diary, it's a good feeling to have something precious in your back pocket, kind of like in an emergency, but then its so hard to determine when is it really an emergency or not. If there are tears, is that an emergency? How about if i know, and say to myself, "This too will pass". Then i guess its never a major emergency, bh for that. But how about minor issues... like stam... can i use my Gem then? Ah, you don't know what to tell me.

When does the period go in the quotations? And when does the period go inside the parenthesis?
Ah, its so freeing and so cool to write without all those silly dots...., especially when it's just you and me here.

Anyhow back to the issue at hand.
My Treasure.

Will the value of It be depreciated if i do use it too much?
Will It's value diminish if not used?
Which do i want?
(Ringing in my ears, oysh. "Replace that Jewel....")

Am i confused? crazy? lonely? immature ?
Don't answer.

Riboynoy Shel Oilom Hareini Moichel. Period.

The Riboinoy Shel Oilom I Hereby Forgive.

You build me character.
You make me stronger.

Dear MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE...

Today, G-d Almighty, you have broken me.
My heart, and my back.
Today, Aibershter, you have outdone yourself.

You have given me Sheina.
Thank you very much.
Did i ever complain to you?
Did i ever say take her back?
You tested me and you tested me.
I think i passed, maybe not with flying colors -
but passed nonetheless.

It's about her Seizures,
that i would like to discuss with you today.
They are always frightening.
It aint easy for me to watch her turn blue and shake.
L'tza'areinu harav, i've become sort of accustomed to them.
Any loud "bang" -
Uh oh, Sheina.
I run,
she is on the floor blue and shaking...
But Master of the Universe !
What happened, You got bored?
The regular seizures, the ones she doesnt get majorly hurt
wasn't good enough to break me???
Not enough that You gave her a seizure while i was
washing her in the shower??
Not enough that she fell flat on her face,
lost a tooth ???
(Which by the way, we are still going for appt's. to take care of that one.
And You know how much i hate appt's.)
Yes, i must admit though You were always kind enough to make sure
someone else was home,
to throw me a pillow to count with me,
to help get her out of the bath.
Someone to help me carry her into bed.
And stam, someone to be with me, to stop my shaking...
Do i thank YOU for this consideration?
I guess so. Boruch Hashem.
Oh, i also want to thank You for the time that You made me look
at the exact second i did,
and managed to catch her in mid-air.
That was something.

I never kvetched to You about her.
(okay maybe i did, once in while..)
I took it.
I call it a "G-D Made Problem."
Those problems, you just take.

But today, Aibershter, you broke me!
Not only was i home alone,
(okay Mushka was home, but You try getting her to help...)
But Ribono Shel Olam,
Such a wham?!
She just had one last week !
I heard the scratch of the chair -
ran to the playroom...
find her flat on her face, in a pool of blood,
blue and shaking....
I know not to move her,
but hey i got to see where she is bleeding from.
Forget the counting.
I find a towel, put it under her face.
Her hair is in blood, got to tie it back.
"Mushka, braing a ponytail far sheina's hor".
I'm meanwhile trying to support her head a bit,
so she doesnt hurt herself more.
Mushka: "Why s'rait?" (blood)
"Vu Sheina hot a boo boo?"
"Mushka braing mamie epes far Sheina's herelach!"
The more i'm yelling, the slower she went.
I calmly say: "Mushka gei shnel."
Then, knock, knock, knock, knock....
I'm thinking, "Yes, maybe someone came home to help me."
For by now Sheina is very agitated.
I'm nervous.
I dont want her choking on the blood.
knock, knock, knock, knock...
I cannot get up to get the door, for i'm supporting her head,
watching her,trying to get her out of the blood,
cleaning her as much as i can...
AND trying to answer Mushka's 99 questions as calmly as possible.
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
"No."
Gritting my teeth,
"Mushka, gei tzu di tir..."
She starts to go.. comes back...
"I scared.."
Finally....
It's the neighbour's kid, he left his ball here earlier.
Shucks.
Now Sheina wants to get up, to go to bed.
She needs support otherwise she will fall again and hurt herself.
But, You see Master Planner,
I don't really have the koach to lift her by myself..
I guess You wanted to show me that i could,
but did You remember my back?...

Painstakingly, i managed to clean her up, change her clothes,
support her up, walk her to bed, change her diaper...
"Mushka braing me the wipes".
"Where?, which?"
Oh no, Sheina is about to fall again,
wham, half on half off the bed.
All the while, mind you,
Mushka hacking me with her string of questions...

Swollen lip,
deformed cheek,
bloody nose.
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
her mouth is.
And only You G-d, knows to what extent the damage inside
my heart is.

MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE !
Today you have broken me.

PLEASE DON'T DO IT AGAIN!